Introduction
Perhaps this incident is one you can relate to first-hand. You go into your office, and greet your Assistant Manager with a warm “Hi. How was your evening?”. He replies with a laconic “Fine”, and storms off. You wonder what is bothering him, so later, you slide by his cubicle, and say “Is everything all right?”. He replies “Yup”. You try to engage him in a work-related conversation but your efforts are futile. Later, in a meeting, he offers a snide remark about a project he is working on, but a few minutes later seems exceedingly pleasant and friendly with other team members. You shake your head in bewilderment, and wonder what it is that you said or did that upset him. Truth is, maybe it wasn’t you.
Naming It
What, you may ask, is passive aggressive behaviour? Simply, it is any combination of negative behaviour, anger, emotions, frustrations or deep-rooted resentment, that manifests itself in an indirect or covert manner. Often, these behaviours are subtle and difficult for others to comprehend.
The behaviours exhibited by someone who is passive aggressive are many and varied. Some of the more common behaviour patterns include:
1) The use of sarcasm or ridicule.
2) Procrastination.
3) Sudden and unexpected displays of inefficiency.
4) Silence, the cold shoulder treatment, or morose behaviour.
5) Avoidance.
6) Becoming physically isolated or withdrawn.
7) Resentment.
Understanding why someone displays these behaviours is critical to understanding and dealing with passive aggressive types.
1) Uncertainty. Often, the person exhibiting these behaviours feels lost or uncertain, and demonstrating passive aggressive behaviour is a way of exerting control over a situation.
2) Manipulation. Sometimes, it is a desire to control others by forcing them to deal with the odd behaviour that is displayed.
3) Conflict avoidance. At the heart, a passive aggressive personality does not like conflict, and feels intimidated by the prospect of an honest and forthright encounter.
4) An inability to articulate their inner thoughts and emotions. Sometimes, the person demonstrating this behaviour is unable to express how they feel, or more importantly, why they feel the way they do.
5) Personal insecurity. When we feel confident in ourselves we can express our thoughts and feelings. Someone exhibiting passive aggressive behaviour lacks this self-assurance.
If I’m being perfectly honest, I have to admit that there have been many times in my earlier professional career when I exhibited passive aggressive behaviour. I don’t say it, or admit it, with any sense of pride, but honest self-reflection is the best way of dealing with it.
Why did I do it? Sometimes, because I felt hurt, slighted or ignored. Other times, I felt I wasn’t getting the attention or recognition I believed I deserved. Other times, I felt frustrated by my own lack of self-worth, as well as my inability to articulate my value.
Passive aggressive behaviour is difficult to comprehend and challenging to deal with constructively (Photo courtesy of Mizuno Kozuki and Pexels).
Dealing with Passive Aggressive Behaviour
There are two ways, I feel, in which someone on the receiving end of passive aggressive behaviour can deal with it. One is for the person who is exhibiting that behaviour to engage in some honest self-reflection, and to call it for what it is. That implies a certain amount of maturity and self-awareness, and that is a skill that often comes with age and experience.
The second is for someone, be it a boss or co-worker, to take the person aside who is exhibiting the behaviour, and to draw that person out in an honest and frank dialogue. That isn’t always easily done. It takes patience, active listening skills, and a willingness to engage in some frank and difficult feedback.
A place to start is by first extending a good will gesture or offering a compliment. Reaffirming the worth of an individual helps to build a bond and connection.
Second, describe the behaviour you are witnessing, but don’t ascribe a value judgement or appear critical. Again, you want to make the other person feel comfortable in sharing their thoughts and conveying how they feel.
Third, ask open-ended questions to try and engage the individual. Ask what is troubling them. If they are reluctant to open up then probe deeper. If they offer feedback explore what are the underlying reasons or concerns for how they feel. Again, refrain from overt displays of criticism or anger. Deal with the perceptions in an effort to understand their motivation for engaging in passive aggressive behaviour.
Fourth, invite them to share what they believe is a path forward. That may entail first dealing with roadblocks or personality conflicts. Don’t assume the problem, and wherever possible, encourage them to take the lead in addressing and resolving the issue. Gently guide them to defining a timeframe and process through which the issue or problem is addressed.
Finally, follow up. Don’t just naturally assume the occurrence of passive aggressive behaviour will magically disappear. Essentially, what you are trying to do is show the person that confronting the issue is far less problematic and stressful than engaging in behavioral patterns that subsume conflict.
A Final Thought….
It took me a very long time to recognize and accept my own passive aggressive tendencies. Even now, I sometimes find myself slipping back into this old familiar pattern.
To that extent, I have to thank my teaching experience for providing me with the insights necessary to deal with my own demons. When I first started teaching Industrial Relations one of the issues we discussed was an assessment tool called the Thomas-Kilmann Model:
https://www.pon.harvard.edu/daily/conflict-resolution/conflict-styles-and-bargaining-styles/
Essentially, the model posits that there are five different styles of conflict management styles; namely, competing, avoiding, accommodating, compromising and collaborating. When I first took the assessment I found my proclivity was somewhere between avoiding and accommodating. Over time, I think I’ve managed to evolve to somewhere between compromising and collaborating, but it hasn’t come without some effort.
For me, the biggest realization was recognizing and accepting my self-worth, and giving myself permission to acknowledge not just my strengths, but also, my shortcomings. While I can’t say I relish confrontations, I at least have evolved to the point where I recognize and acknowledge the value and importance of standing up for my own interests. That, in itself, can be both liberating and enlightening.